Once again, yet another problem at home caused by none other than my good-for-nothing father. I'm so darn grateful to him that he only lost a few thousands in his idiot stocks. Compared to the previous times, this is so minor - I should thank heaven because we no longer have a bungalow or shophouse to settle these debts. But it's good. Any excess cash would have been spent off by him anyway - idiot.

I am still waiting for the day he can come to his senses and realise his stupidity. A person, with merely secondary school education, hoping to earn millions out of stocks? You must be kidding me. Not a single time have you contributed to the family with your bare hands. NEVER. You gambled off every single cent of money grandpa left behind. We have been living our past with grandpa's money, none from yours. Because of you, we scrimp and save everyday. And I dare not think of going overseas/buy my favourite things/eat my favourite food until I gradually had the ability to work myself. But well, he always thinks he is smart. I guess, he is really smart in ending up with nothing. What a joke.

He is a monster. He not only gambles, he is unrealistic (thinking that playing stocks can shower him with wealth), violent and unfilial. I really pity him. Cos everytime, he ends up with nothing - but good heaven still allows him to have his wife and children with him. My brother and I are 100% supportive of taking my mum away from this monster but sometimes, and due to some stupid circumstances, we still stay on. Aren't we great people?

Talking about divorces, my cousins are also victims of failed marriages. They did not marry a good man. I feel upset for them and for their young children especially because I have been through it myself. Maybe I am worse? cos this mental torture has been with me since young (and up till today)... For my two young nephew/niece, both dads abandoned their mums. But at least their dad leaves them before harsh memories of their parents' quarrels/problems/fights form in them. Who are to blame for such problems? Parents. My cousins married men whom they did not understand. One was a man of few words and they were only together for awhile before going into marriage. The other was a rich man and that explains all. People say it is difficult to tell whether the man you are marrying is the right person. This is true but I feel that 90% is in our own hands and 10% is luck. Luck meaning, for if the guy goes astray for no reasons (中邪 or other unexplained circumstances on top of the 90% fulfiled). 90% being from day one you start off with the guy..his actions, behaviour, habits, his family background, how he treats you and your family, how he handles situations, how he behaves at home, tidiness of his room, table manners, financial planning... All these can be tested before considering marriage. If not you are just suay (bad luck). That is why I believe that all women should be responsible for the man they choose to be with and be responsible to your children. We all have a choice, and the responsibility for our own actions.

Anyway, I always tell myself to be VERY strong. I must not show my sorrows, I must not give up. But in actual fact, I am fearful. The europe trip was just a temporary escape from reality. I went on the trip thinking that I deserve a moment of peace for once in my life and my parents' problem should never be mine. I was wrong, every single time when I am out there looking at how beautiful the other side of the world is, I fear. I worry for my mum, my brother and my grandma. Let alone how much I miss kenny. Every single cent I spend there, I fear. Because my mum might need my support. But the trip isn't mine alone, and I know I can be strong because I always tell myself that I am not the least fortunate in this world (think about people in africa, think about families stricken with illness..)although i really envy some of my friends with good families..enough cash..good degree..job etc. I tell myself that I am fortunate because I have my mum, my brother, my kenny and great friends.

I always say I am very suay. When I am fed up, I attribute it to suayness. But when I am calm, I feel that these are all a kind of give-and-take. Hence, I really cherish my good bf and brother. They are all that I have..now.

只能走一步，看一步了 ...