Have I mentioned before how much I hate my parents. I feel that even orphans are happier than me. And it's a tragedy that I end up in this 'Loh' family. I probably committed a huge sin last life.
I hate feelings. Because of feelings, I am left with no choice but to care for them. And because I believe in doing good and whatever retribution theory, I must repay their 'kindness'. If I disown them, I have failed as a daughter and gave up the chance that heaven gave me to reborn. Sounds so spiritual...but ya.
However, before I decide to 'forgive' them, I must say why I hate them. Firstly, the entire 'Loh' family's sons are really a bunch of good-for-nothing-and-heartless people. They only care about my grandma's assets and not at all filial. They only know how to say how great/smart they are (come on', that's grandpa's money) and attribute failures to anybody but themselves. They have always been rude to my grandma and everytime they come to my house to 'pray' to grandpa (whose alter's at my house), I know they are just staging a show (what a joke). If not for my grandma, I wouldn't bother to even say 'hello, how are you'. You can say, I don't like hypocrites and heartless people. That's why I pity my grandma. She has 10 children and none of the sons are good (maybe excluding my godfather who has been living with her all these while). But I want to thank them for giving me all the chances to do good and be filial to my grandma (even though it's out of willingness). Ha the funniest thing is, when my grandma praises me and my brother (we both have always been labelled as her '宝贵孙子')in front of her sons, they will always say my grandma is showing favouritism and will then link to the distribution of assets issue (apparently my dad got a larger piece of land). What a joke right? But heaven is fair and that's why my retribution theory holds, I think my grandpa (at home) is blessing me and my brother with some intelligence (cos all the other good-for-nothing sons' children can't study) and some good things (like kenny and maythu? Ha i'm not sure). Although, I have never talked back to those good-for-nothing sons, I tell my grandma to just forget about them and let me and my brother do what her sons have failed to do. If I have a chance to see them being rude to my grandma again, I will not hesitate to 'chant' (yx says I nag thou) all the dao4 li3 at them. However, because Ｉbelieve in doing good, I will still talk to them tactfully and show some form of respect. Sometimes I do wow at my sense of tolerance.
All right, enough of those good-for-nothing sons, back to my parents. I hate them because they have failed their responsibility as good parents (apart from giving me allowance although the money is rightfully my grandpa's). Everytime they quarrel, they only think of themselves and let me and my brother worry. My dad is also good-for-nothing, only know how to use force, refuse to talk about his wrongdoings, dare not to face up to responsibility, foul temper, 不务正业，gambling addict etc. I think he is really a failed product of heaven's graciousness. For my mum, although she's a victim of everything, I can only say some of the things she does aren't correct too. That's not the way to handle your marriage.
Well, perhaps you won't understand how much torment I have been through for the past two decades, but I still want to thank them for carving out such a strong me. And making me realise how to better handle my own family in future, allowing me to see other people's misdeed such that I will never follow their footsteps. I am very calm now and I feel happy about my graduation because I can finally be independent. With some financial independence, I can take fully responsibility of my path in life. I will definitely work hard for my future because I know money will never drop down from the sky (not like some people, land can drop down from the sky..but in the end also good-for-nothing). I will not marry anyone blindly (unfortunately, my mum did). A man has to be of upright character as the basis. No character, no talk. Then I will treat my husband-to-be with respect, encourage open communication, genuine care and support for each other (maybe, sometimes I'm too naggy, but I know I must and will control). I will not quarrel in front of my children because I have suffered myself. Instead, I think quarreling doesn't solve the problem. Open communication and some nagging probably does (?). However, I won't let my children have such smooth life. I want them to understand hardships, the need to do good and respect for parents. I will probably be the 'bad' mum in their eyes but I know how to exercise flexibility in bringing them up.
What a long entry... but i feel better saying them out.
All the best to me and my life k! Like what my dear friends say, my suay-ness have to and will come to an end. I'm certainly looking forward to that day.
Jiayou!
